T's Truths

***i recently wrote this post for a friend's blog (CHECK OUT Sex & The Twenties at corriebradshaw.com) and its special to me....wouldn't be right if i didn't include it on my own!***

Happy New Year everyone! Made your resolution(s) yet? Broken your resolution(s) already? Great! Now, there seemed to be a slight uproar a few days ago about whether or not people should make resolutions, or want to change, or claim the new year as ‘their own’…blah, blah, blah. I’ll let everyone make their own choices about how to proceed with their new year plans and goals, but I do have one suggestion. See, me, I’ve decided to work on changes I started in 2011 and fight for progression on a few journeys I have ahead of me.

January 2012 I find myself at the end of my graduate school journey (*insert hallelujah shout and praise dance here*) and at the beginning of my journey into motherhood! Let me just say, growing and contemplating caring for a whole, small person will make you rethink the world and your place in it. At least it has done so for me. As excited as I (now) am, I understand that I’m going to be another single black mommy fighting to establish purpose for myself in this world, as well as guiding my little one to find theirs. But I’m cool with that. I recently stated in a facebook status, “…in the moment I recognize it is not about you (others in general), not even about me,
EVERYTHING changes”. While change starts with me, everything is now about my munchkin, my unexpected, but blessed gift from God. So in order to be in the right place to help my young one find who they will be, I’m making a point to know, be, and love me.

While it’s only been a few days (since the new year started), one thing I’ve done is recognized (what I feel) are very unique and important characteristics within myself. Things I need to keep in mind, and not necessarily change, as I go forth on my journeys. SELF EVALUATION (key phrase for today, my friends) is good. Heck, its great. And it is healthy. And you don’t even have to change things if you don’t want, just acknowledge them. I feel that my personal inventory (another good phrase y’all) is beneficial in helping me understand why I do what I do, why certain things (only) happen to me {because we all feel this way sometimes}, why certain things are so important to me while others don’t even register on my care-o-meter. Some items in my inventory are great…some not so great, according to others’ standards. I don’t care, these things make me, me. So, here are just a few things from T’s personal inventory, my ‘Truths’, if you will. Judge me if you’d like…that’s fine. I’ll be aight.

·I am in loooove—I’m in love, I’m in love, I’m in love…*mary j. voice* --not with a person, though. I’m in love with LOVE. Follow me here… I now live for the moments that keep me believing that love is possible. My last few years I was far from being this person. I was cold-hearted, fought to hold back any and every emotion. These days, I adore the times I can just sit in a chair, stare at and rub my belly. I adore every moment I’ve had to take care of my mother after her recent surgery, knowing she’s done so much more for me. I adore the random calls from a best friend, just checking on me and shooting the breeze for hours—just ‘cause. These moments with these people keep my faith in love. All kinds.

·I am viciously loyal…but not to everyone. Sound crazy? Maybe. It’s real though. I had to realize some time ago, I cannot and will not be friends with everyone. I cannot have everyone’s back, especially since everyone will not have mine. Don’t get me twisted, I’m not a snake, but I am my first priority (at least til the baby gets here) and there is a line of succession that follows. Sure, I’m cool with tons of people, but “friend” is not a term I use loosely. Therefore, I encourage others not to believe just because you hung out with homegirl or homeboy a few times, went to the club, exchanged a few texts, that denotes a friendship. While it does for some, it does not for me (and others, I am sure).

·I am not sorry, I will not apologize. You heard me correctly. I will definitely admit that I’ve done a lot of effed up stuff in my years (…let’s not even discuss undergrad). But every single thing that has happened to me, or because of me, has made me a better person or taught a valuable lesson. My current situation even (won’t go into details—sorry nosey folk), will probably stir up a lot of bull and emotion. And that’s fine. But it is life, is shaping my life, and I accept and do not regret my decisions. We’ll all live, trust me.

·I am mature beyond my years, but I do not know everything. Common sense statement right? Nah… I know plenty of people that swear they are all-knowing, all-seeing, guru of all that is. Not I. I can definitely attribute some of that to the anxiety of becoming a parent. Just the other day I had a mini-breakdown, crying about whether or not I will be a good mommy. My mom candidly said, “the fact that you even asked the question, and care whether you will—means you will”. While that made me feel better for the moment, my mind is still racing. I am about to be responsible for A.NOTHER.PERSON. I am willing to take all the wisdom thrown my way. (*sidenote: ladies and gents, don’t let it take having a baby on the way before you realize you don’t know ish about ish. K?)

·I am not perfect, but I am perfectly me. Now, I don’t know everything, but I (finally) can say I know who I am. There is nothing like that feeling. I understand I will continue to change and grow, but I know ME—my hopes, beliefs, values…you know, all those intangible things that make you, you. And guess what…I am happy with me.